Legends of Belariath

Byanka

It's... funny, how life can change you in a moment. Things you never expected to become, or do, are suddenly a reality.

... Oh, I apologize, I should explain myself. My name is Byanka, and I am.. or... was... a high elven cleric under the service of the Morning Lord.

I never knew who my parents were, as I believe I was abandoned when I was but a child, in the doors of the temple. The people of the temple took me in, and began raising me into the clergy. Thanks to them, I never did miss my parents... As I grew up, I took on the healing path. I was... told... that I grew up a beautiful woman. I never paid much attention to such comments, my heart and mind were set someplace else.

I was still naive in the ways of the world, having lived my entire life there, so, with the high priest's blessing, I left to travel.

I didn't go far, as I bumped into this place, called the Lonely Inn. There, I found a need for my healing services, so I stayed.

But, this Inn was... strange in many ways. Acts I wouldn't have dreamed of slowly began to take their toll on me.

A few months in I began blacking out; sometimes in the middle of conversations. Sometimes I woke up to find out I had simply missed a day entirely. Then people sometimes commented on acts I had never done... some of them, acts I would not have dreamed of doing before. I felt myself losing my mind.

I commented this to a friend, miss Victoria, who let me stay with her for a while, to see if she could help with my problems... they lessened, somewhat, but didn't end. Afterwards, I commented on this to someone else - a man called Morgan. He mentioned something about dealing with multiple personalities.

This... scared me. The thought of possession frightened me beyond words, and I fled. I found myself a couple of days later back at the Inn, already with my mind set. I would return to the temple; if anybody could help me, it was the high priest. I said goodbye to miss Victoria, and left.

Once back at the temple, I explained my problem to the priest who, worried, immediately took it upon himself to examine me. He didn't find anything indicating a possession. This only scared me more. I was fearful for my mind and my soul already, and the fear was slowly consuming me more and more.

Then... Lord Rogets showed up. He is a human Paladin in the service of the Morning Lord, and a man I had only met a few times before. Somewhere, somehow, he had heard of my problem. He proposed a... fairly strange deal to me.

"Miss Byanka," he said, "sometimes, the path of healing and prayer is not all there is to achieve peace of mind and soul. Train in the art of fighting, and balance your soul, mind, and body."

I was reluctant of course; I was a healer, not a fighter. I stated this to him.

"Fighting does not equal killing, miss Byanka." He replied, calmly. "If you are worried, then fight for the people you care for, and your God. Fight against the evil that threatens to corrupt your soul. Do not fight with the idea that you will hurt somebody. Fight with the idea that you will protect somebody! I... believe you will succeed, miss Byanka."

His words got to me, even if they didn't make much sense back then. I promised I would try. He mentioned that, in the town near the temple, stood a training facility for Knights, under the service of the lord of the region, but also under the beck and call of the order of Paladins should the need arise. He promised to put in a word for me.

I... went. I regretted it not soon afterwards. I am not a bellicose person, and I found myself in a completely different area to what I'm accustomed to. I was scared.

I had to leave my clerical robes behind, but I always kept my holy symbol with me. Some of the more... crude men there mocked me, treating me as a frail little thing. I couldn't fight back against their insults, for they were right. The trainer, a man referred to by everybody as 'Sam', was only slightly better. To put it... bluntly... the first time I took a weapon there (a hammer, I have never liked bladed weapons) in a match, I was thoroughly beaten to the ground. I... cried myself to sleep that night, completely scared and humiliated.

... Then it... happened.

I met... the other me.

It was a dream, I was clad in my clerical robes, and I found myself in a white space, full of... nothingness. Then I heard steps closing in. I turned, to find an exact copy of myself standing there. Except that, instead of the robes, she was wearing armor not unlike that I had been forced to wear in the days before.

"... Well met." She said, finally. Her gaze was serene, stern at the same time, yet sad.

"... Who are you?" I asked. But, someplace, I knew the answer.

"I am... the one responsible for your problems, Byanka." She replied, just as calmly. "I am the cause for the blackouts, the missing days, and the actions that never happened."

I panicked. "You... you are the demon!" I stumbled back, and found myself falling on my rear.

"I am no demon!" She claimed, angrily and sadly at the same time. "... I am... the part of you that was... hidden... away. For all your sense of duty, I am the one that likes to have fun. You enjoy healing, it is your life, while I won't cavil at hurting somebody if they deserve it. I am... you. Kind of."

I was nervous, standing up once more. "... I never had another me."

"No, you did not." her voice softened, the sad tone never leaving her. "... but certain things, against your control... created me, you could say."

"... what.. things?"

She slowly stepped towards me. I stood my ground, if frightened. "... Do you remember mister Panrexus?"

"... I... yes... the satyr... he was a nice man... what about..."

She kissed me.

My answer got cut short as her lips pressed against mine, all of a sudden. I felt surprised, and disgusted, but... I began seeing. I saw how Panrexus had used his garden's flowers to... use me. I felt... or rather, remembered, every single thing he had done to me, and that I had thought was but a hazy dream. How he took me, on the first two occasions I visited his garden.

It was... overwhelming. I felt myself falling into my other me's arms. She supported me, gently, as I nearly collapsed on the floor. I forgot all about the kiss, glancing up at her with blurry eyes.

"... he... he did that to me?" He murmured. "I... never thought..."

"... And that was how... I was born. I am the part that enjoyed it, that remembered. I was born... somewhere... inside your memories... and I wanted more."

She kissed me again, and I found myself fairly surprised at not resisting, and... I saw it all. I saw everything that had happened on those days I couldn't remember. Panrexus once more, and then... miss Victoria... and it felt absolutely wonderful. Perhaps on reflex, I began kissing back. It was... strange.

I felt my legs give out from under me, and I nearly collapsed, but once again she held me through, lowering me gently to the ground, on my knees, her arms still wrapped around me. I found myself unable to speak.

"... I was... scared... to see how you would react if you knew I existed, but I couldn't control myself. On more than one occasion, I... influenced you, somewhat. Do you remember the blow you gave Shaka? That was my... suggestion."

I glanced up at her. There were tears in her eyes.

"... when you learned... I thought that it was over. I didn't know what to do, because I was torn between my... love... of you... and my love of my new found life. The thought of simply trading places with you crossed my mind a few times, but... I could never do it. I could never leave you there... alone... I love you too much for that"

I slowly processed the information she gave me, glancing up at her. "... you... love me?"

She smiled, a sad smile. "Of course. I can see things that you cannot, you see... and your compassion is something I couldn't help but love."

I... smiled back, tentatively, but it quickly disappeared. "... but... what now?"

Her expression grew serious. "... We are one, Byanka. We are two sides the same person, living in the same body. And we must be one... or we will never live up to what we can." She traced her hand gently across my cheek. "... a saint like you or..." She smiled a bit. "... a bad girl like me... cannot live separately for long."

I blinked, softly. "... What would... happen?"

She shrugged. "... my belief is that... we would be somewhere in the middle. Aiming to heal and protect as you, yet not afraid to hurt if needed. Not afraid of what we don't know about, and eager for new experiences, without... being quite as stupid as me."

I closed my eyes. "And... me? you?"

She paused. "... my guess is... that my mind... my memories... would be yours, as yours would be mine. We would be one. I... do not know who would be... ah... the one that... prevails." I couldn't help but notice the frightened tone of her voice. Yet she continued, smiling. "... but it... beats going insane, being beaten to the ground and... living alone in the dark... scared."

I considered for a few minutes, but then made up my mind. "... Let's... do it then. If you are willing..."

She smiled. "I am."

Then she kissed me again.

... And I woke up.

... It was... strange. I felt the new flood of memories as if they had always been there. I could not quite tell if the new memories were from the "good" me or the "bad" me. Much like I do not know which of us is the one that prevailed. I merely refer to my old self... and my old life... as "me" because she's been around longer. Truth is, I am not one nor the other, I am... both.

The next day, I was fully recovered, and I had to fight again, the trainer claiming it was to toughen me up.

... everybody, except myself, was pretty surprised when I knocked -him- to the ground. It felt oddly refreshing, even as I cured the bash on his forehead.

... And, today, I am... a Knight, if at least by name. I do not know every code of chivalry there is, but I expect to learn even more. I returned to the temple afterwards, and thanked the high priest deeply, before departing again, to the Lonely Inn again.

... I do not believe miss Victoria loves me, for all that she's done, and it hurts a bit. But I do love and care for her, and... well, if there is anybody that may know about the Knight code, its her.

It is for her I am returning... even without her love. I want to be with her at least. I may find somebody else, it's possible. After all, life is a funny little thing...

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