Legends of Belariath
Mozenwrathe
Niram Shandur - About Face
Character: Niram Shandur The halfing Niram Shandur has had a rich and eventful life. Having never met the sorcerer-assassin known as Story, he nonetheless has seen the aftereffects of his passing like a shockwave. For a full month, Niram made a healthy living going into town after town, stealing from the houses of high elves and various humans and orcs whom Story had recently slain (or was in the process of killing). How they managed never to cross paths is beyond most conprehension, aside from the fact that fate loves a scoundrel, and Niram certainly is just that. Having retired from the thieving game (or so the halfling claims), he has set up a tavern and half-way house in one of the better known halfling villages. As the place is situated less than a quarter-mile from a well-traveled crossroads, he receives plenty of visitors and entertains them with his stories of past adventures. When he is partially into his cups, the halfling accent comes out bold and true, he speech twirling like a wyvern chasing his tail.
Be wary though, for he has a strong sense of halfling pride... and a distinct dislike for humans. And idiots who do not listen to those with more sense than they.
About Face I know not why the taller races continue to come down on my people. So we do not have the stature or giants , or the beauty of gods on our side. We will never leap over towering geysers, or swim through the oceans of Belariath with the aquatic life which lies below. My friends have never wrestled with boars (which I find foolish, as boars are for hunting) or thrown themselves headlong into the path of a winter wurm only to have it veer away in fear. Never will my father tell tall tales of my grandmother throwing lightning bolts into the face of a thundering ogre, or rending a pack of wild hyena limb from treacherous limb with bare hands while never mussing their locks.
No, we are normal people. Humble people. Peaceful people. We do not seek to go beyond the limits of our lives and souls, nor have we asked for more than we deserved. Still do we live in harmony with the land, farming what we need and seliing the rest to get goods for our towns. Through all my years of listening to the bards wailing their little ditties for Mehrials, I have never heard of a single halfling riding the back of a dragon, casting fireballs down at innocent folk. No, we halflings are not exactly known for invoking chaos and mayhem wherever we have sown our seeds. The land welcomes us, and we welcome the land. It is the way it ought to be and it is a cryin' shame a lot of the larger races have forgotten that little bit of knowledge.
There has never been a halfling necromancer, a dark paladin halfling, or a halfling dictator who wielded power through enchanted gauntlets and sodomizing his opponents in a public forum with... Anyway, what I am getting at is that we halflings are BETTER than you taller beings are. The frightening thing is, we never have to be actively good, for you go out and do things which are so blatantly rotten you might as well be thrown into a moral compost heap. You convince yourselves you do not have enough where you live to eat and be comfortable despite the obvious wealth of your mighty kingdoms, so you go to war with each other and slay thousands of kindly people who have no larger crime to their credit than being in the way. You worship demons and fiends and gods who desire the blood and guts of sentient types, and you gorge their violent maws with the souls of average people who thought you came to their homes to offer them a cup of sugar. And then you try to tell us we are less noble than you because we don't have such inclinations?
Hah!
That is not to say that all of your kind are worthless dregs who have nothing better to do than to rape and kill each other. In fact, some of you are truly good people who we halfings would welcome into our homes... if you could fit. Still, it is hard to believe that a minotaur could become a gentle bard, or that humans can build better than they destroy. Even some of those snotty "look down on everyone" high elves have their golden exceptions. I met a few once who were just traveling carpenters plying their trade and teaching others about it. They were great tablemates and some of the most enlightening conversation I ever had came from them. Of course, after five hundred years I am sure even I would mellow out so much that pillows would be like diamonds to my personality.
Nothing amazes me more than the name all of you bigger types have given us: halfling. As if we were spawned by humans - get a cup of tea and sit down for a while. It seems to me you were all hit in the head something fierce as wee tots if you honestly believe that one. Halflings and dwarves have nothing to do with humans, no matter how much the humans insist we are both offshoots from them. We were here long before the humans were, and shall be here plenty of time after they vanish... or kill themselves off. We were created by Gaea herself after she was done with her other designs - the nymphs and nerieds, the sylphs and dryads. We might not be her first touched, but we are a darn sight closer to her in heart and soul than any flighty elven ranger is at birth. As for the title, we don't go around calling humans "doublings," now do we? Troublemakers, yes, double the worth of a single halfling, never.
Once we even had a name for ourselves, but human scholars make sure to stomp that out and put their own mark on us... and every other race they could find. We still call each other what we really are when amongst family and friends, but we share not our True Names to those so callous and arrogant to try to label everything to suit their own jealous needs. I never would wish to be a human - they have more enemies amongst themselves it is surprising any survive long enough to make enemies with the other races. I even now have a word for them on the tip of my tongue, but for many of them even that is far too flattering. For now, call the halflings "weyrforgesh" which is "the people of the lowlands" if you want to impress one of us. As cordial as we are, not all of us are as forgiving as we make you believe.
The infamous "halfling hospitality" your kind so dotes on us for was never for you. In fact, if it was not for our inherently pleasant disposition (for most of us, not for all), we would be throwing you out of our villages on a regular basis. So many of your loutish breed constantly tramples through our neat and tidy homes it is a shock to us much of our own culture remains. We are so "hospitable" to you because all you do is destroy what is within your grasp whether you mean to or not. Even the sylvan elves are guilty of this, but at least they try to make amends for whatever they ruin. Our villages cannot afford bad relations with the larger kingdoms we are normally close to, so we play nice host and hope you do not do something incredibly stupid with the kingdom next door which will get us killed. It is not just our villages and towns which suffer the torch during wartime, but it is infamous how you forget "your little cousins" during the winters of blood and strife while rushing to us for aid.
You large beings make me sick.
Just be thankful today I am just cooking your meals. Something else most of you tend to take for granted of us. "Every good castle needs a halfling cook or three." And then you just go into a village and demand their best people go and work for you. No compensation, no preparation, just "do as I tell you and I will be happy." And then you scratch your heads in confusion when we refuse your "generous offer" and choose to remain behind in the homes or our birth? You believe us needful of your charity, when all we desire is to be left in peace. And taking no for an answer should be something you ought be used to - why else do you require new lovers every other weekend?
As I said before, you large beings make me sick. Now eat your stew and be thankful it was a halfing that made it for you.